Parenting and Connected Devices
Last year I quit my job to live from savings, stopped traveling, and gave up on the concept of productivity altogether. This was my reaction to divorce, and the prospect of losing half my time with the children. I spend the moments I have with them in the most loving and careful way possible.
I do this because I feel like I have no choice.
Every day I give up work opportunities, sideline other connections, and I immerse myself in the lives of my two young boys to try and see things through their eyes. What I see will not surprise you, but what I have learned to do about it may inspire you.
Scroll to the bottom to see what you will achieve as a reader of this series.
Although I have centered my career on building technology of all kinds — both software and hardware — during my sabbatical I learned how to meaningfully limit my children’s exposure to technology. Steve Jobs would not let his kids use Apple products — he was a low-tech parent. Now I know why and how. I want to share that knowledge with you.
Here is a general framework and guide for parents and educators to help young children navigate their passion for devices and technology.
This book will both inspire and challenge you, with an entertaining look at the way parents and educators can make peace with technology in the lives of their children. It is the result of decades of work creating software for learning and literacy, and recent research in cognitive development. I took a yearlong sabbatical to explore and practice a particular parenting style based on this — as a reality check.
This framework is useful for children as young as toddler-age through elementary school.
Present Day Situation
Kids these days — am I right? They are obsessed with Minecraft, or Angry Birds, or whatever else that hogs their attention. They are constantly begging for that iPad. This is bad enough to witness when they are little, I cringe to imagine what might happen when they become teenagers in the age of social media.
Kids! Yeah, kids. It’s totally their fault. If they just had more self-control, you know? If they could just chill for one second. Shoot, I just got a text message. Ok, what was I saying?
Oh yeah — those spoiled children! They have it so easy, right? We did not have iPhones or Temple Run, or YouTube when we were their age. We had to use our imaginations all the time. Heck, I remember a time when I had to get up off the couch to change the channel. That’s the way it was, and we liked it.
What is all this about “I’m bored”? Son, you do not know what boredom is. Boredom is having to learn to play an instrument just to make music. Boredom is reading an actual book because we did not have endless short clips of Thomas Sanders to watch. Oh, that Thomas Sanders is so funny, though.
Okay, just one more video.
Huh? No, that’s too much watching.
What am I doing? Daddy is just writing something.
I’m almost done, just a minute. Okay, you can play one game, but that’s it.
Where was I? Oh yeah, I mean I thought I watched a lot of television or played a lot of video games when I was growing up, but dang! Well, I turned out alright, in this age of social networks I fear that my children might get lost on the Internet or turn into teenaged Snapchat zombies, and I am not cool with that. Hang on, I have to go see what they are fighting about…
Give your brother a turn. No, right now, please.
Hmm, I partially blame myself. Well, not myself personally, but the Royal Me, meaning everyone. Call it a problem, call it a symptom, call it whatever you want, here is what I have noticed:
- Parents quieting their children with iPhones like pacifiers, as young as stroller-age, to the detriment of both attention spans.
- Parents checking into social media and email instead of playing at the park with their children — which in turn depresses them, kills productivity, stresses them out, and fuels “mommy wars”.
- Children loudly playing games or watching Netflix at the restaurant table in public, with little parental control and no language with which to intercede.
- Children disappearing into an iPad for hours instead of getting exercise on a play date.
- Devices disrupting the classroom and unsuccessfully being banned, again and again.
- Devices being used as a reward or threat for any amount of cooperation, and at younger and younger age.
- Children gathered around devices during social events, like black holes of inactivity and disempowerment.
- Decreased attention span and intolerance for imperfect social interactions in general.
In multiple situations and events, I notice parents neglecting their children in favor of their phones — something I was guilty of doing until I realized the effect it was having. I have helped create more than enough “addictive” social networking and “great” apps in my day, so I have been trying to master my own impulses and overcome bad habits by subverting the tricks of software developers and designers.
I can help you use the tricks we software developers use against us.
Observations
Technology is evolving at a pace that is difficult for human relationships to absorb. It is not just that conversation has devolved. Our relationships to each other have been intermediated, interrupted. There is no situation more evident of this than our home life:
- There is a “learned helplessness” infecting us, where it seems that “technology is doing things to us” instead of our being in control over the pace of advancement.
- The conversation used to be about screen time: how many hours of television does your child watch per week? This seems like such a quaint question now.
- Something even more incomprehensible affects younger children. Many kids under five are left to their own digital devices for hours at a time.
- Even if this extended exposure is not deliberate, it is still entirely possible for children to choose this situation, or manipulate their way into it.
I have read a lot about this situation, and everyone agrees that “we have got to do something about it”. Nowhere have we seen a comprehensive guide containing What To Do and Fun Ways Of How To Do It. General advice seems to be:
- Cut down on social media.
- Do not text at the table.
- Take a day off on the weekend or disconnect for a while, aka “take a vacation from your problems”.
- Just, like, stop being the problem and practice mindfulness, or at least pay for a mindfulness course but do not actually do any of the stuff you learned because that is too much work.
Well, sure this is work. But you do not have to be a mindfulness expert to change just a few things and see a massive improvement in the relationships between you and your family.
My Approach
Things are much easier to remember when they are metaphorical. It is not too hard to imagine that we are lost on a frontier with no compass or guide. We are nerds, we like acronyms, right? So, let’s MAP IT:
MODEL: “Do as I say, not as I do” just will not work. Young people are often great observers, but sometimes poor interpreters. They will notice my habits, mimic them, and not even realize how or why they are doing it. I have got to actually show them how it is done. Every time I slip, they slip.
AGREE: Once I have led by example, then I am able to have a conversation about what kind of behavior I expect from my children. I make sure that we agree on boundaries ahead of time. I need their agreement before exposing them to strong media, or I risk losing their trust and attention. And this does not mean asking “okay?” at the end of every sentence.
PARTICIPATE: For children, play is the real work of life. Playing is the most important time of the day. The more I involve myself in their play, the more I learn about them and what is important to them. Also, this is much more fun than typing or phone calls or spreadsheets. Children turn to devices when they cannot have our attention — they want genuine parental interaction. So, let us give them the best of both worlds.
INTEGRATE: There is a lot of advice out there about taking “time off” from devices and technology. While I think this is important, this kind of “isolation” reminds me of an unsuccessful diet. I tried cutting back on carbs once. That lasted about a day. This kind of “binge-purge” cycle is just as harmful to the mind as it is to the body. Instead, I find ways to “snack” on technology and “put it in its place” both physically and metaphorically.
Adopt a “diet” of moderation with technology, while using the tricks and tools of software developers against them.
TRANSITION: The ultimate goal is to get a child to voluntarily give up the device or the activity peacefully and voluntarily. We have got to condition them: anticipate the change in activity, and give them a great alternative that shakes their brain out of the digital funk. This is the part that most “experts” forget: we can not just go cold turkey. Even an adult will feel let down when the TV turns off. We can get excited about the next thing, which in our case is usually running around outside, cooking, or eating. Gotta replace those brain chemicals somehow.
I guarantee that if you follow this approach, you will achieve much — if not all — of the following:
- Awareness of (and maybe even improved) personal habits around your own technology consumption
- A language for boundaries of digital activities in the home
- A metric ton of fun playing games with your kids
- An end to the vicious cycle of technology indulgence and deprivation
- A few reliable methods for getting devices away from children without a fight
Beyond this, you will find suggestions about better ergonomics, maintaining presence, and improving productivity and focus. Maybe you will end up with a verbal contract to share with children when they want to use technology. I bet you will discover a few great new games and apps, too — or learn which ones are more likely to lead to obsession, for good and bad.
Lastly, once you read this eight-part series, you will find a lot more to learn on the topic. My intention is not to present an unattainable, aspirational standard, or to hold myself above anyone else. I freely admit that I cannot do each of these things all the time, either. This is merely the beginning of a discussion — we are all exploring together.
Recommended Reading
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