Modeling Good Behavior

Found in Miami’s Wynwood Art District: Post No Selfie

Two years ago, I moved out of the house into a place of my own with just my two young boys, a guarantee of equal time with them, my guitar, and some camping gear. The process of starting over from scratch forced me to examine myself closely, shed some old habits, and adopt some better ones.

For the boys, it was an adventure at first. Children are so resilient, it is inspiring. That is one reason I love being Dad.

I think parenting is the most fun thing in the world.

Some people I know complain about the challenge of parenting or have some kind of beef with their child on a regular basis. I think it might be a coping mechanism; people can be kind of sarcastic.

I got rid of all sarcasm after college, I figured it would save me a lot of time. Instead, I try to be more sincere, and direct, and say what I mean.

Nothing easy is ever worth doing.

It is too easy to be sarcastic, but sarcasm is confusing to young people. I have got to lead by example, so they can look back and say,

“Wow, I did not realize it at the time, but I was a total pain sometimes and Dad just counted to ten and smiled.”

For me, modeling good behavior means:

1. Being honest.
2. Avoiding distraction.
3. Exhibiting self-control and resilience.
4. Inspiring peace.
5. Practicing good ergonomics.

Scroll to the bottom for a checklist to help stay on track with these goals.

I will get to what I mean in a moment, but first I would like to share a bit about my personal ideas about parenting so that there is no misunderstanding.

Parenting Philosophy

I am a permissive parent. I say yes to pretty much anything the kids want to do, it is more fun that way. I have even heard of something called “Yes Day”, in which the parents have to say yes to anything the children suggest (within reason).

It is their job to play, and it is my job to guide and play along — until they are balancing on top of the couch swinging homemade weapons and then it is my job to keep everyone’s eyes in their sockets.

I am disciplined when it comes to technology. My parenting philosophy here is more like, “maybe”. As in, “maybe not”, or “maybe, if you have been well-behaved” or “maybe, as long as it does not make me feel like an absentee parent”.

I believe in conditioning children to do what they need to do. If they tell me they want something I will hold it over them until they have made their bed or whatever. People are concerned about how “addictive” devices are, but here is the secret:

With the power of connected devices, you can get your kids. To do. Anything.

I just have to use tech as a carrot and not a stick. My parenting philosophy is based on positive reinforcement, because I have learned the hard way that I cannot raise my voice loud enough to get a toddler to use the potty.

Mutual Respect

I imagine my child as a teenager. They have spent years observing me, noting every single slip and hypocritical moment, and now it is payback time. If I check out for one second, for sure that is the exact time they will want my attention.

Billionaires have the same problem as paupers. We are all being watched hawkishly by our children, waiting to revisit our sins upon us a hundred-fold as soon as they discover hormones. Well, I am not going to give them any excuses.

To start, I refuse to lie to them. I never say “Come on, we are late,” unless we are actually late. They are going to get the truth if it bores them to tears. Which it sometimes does, and that is fine because I am hoping they will stop asking questions long enough for me to actually fire a text message off to Grandmom.

I want the same level of honesty from them. I used to test the boundaries of the truth a little bit when I was a kid. Thinking back, I had no idea how obvious it is when a kid lies. Oh man, what was I thinking? Anyway, I am not falling for it, and if I catch my boys lying I come down hard.

So, respect: I do not “check out” in front of my children or they will learn a bad habit. I tell them what I am doing when I use the phone in front of them:

Daddy is just checking the price of that toy on Amazon.

Password Policies

Let’s face it, parents: our genie is out of the bottle. Luckily, we rubbed the lamp, so we get all the wishes. We can put that genie back into that lamp when we are done, and protect it from the whims of our children with a simple password or the magic of Parental Restrictions and Guided Access.

Until my boys were old enough to understand numbers, I kept their device password to myself. Part of their motivation to decrypt the number system has been to unlock the family iPad. It worked, and now they know how to unlock it. Yay, them.

I will not let them know my App Store password, though. Part of my personal philosophy is to avoid in-app virtual currency, so that attitude creeps into my parenting.

I do not want to buy chromium, or jewels, or gold, or any of that. I am not going to buy another chance, or a new level, or whatever. I make a bit the old fashioned way: I earn it. Learn to appreciate the challenge without the crutch of the purchase. My lesson to them is that advancement in life cannot be bought.

I unlock devices using my fingerprint, so that the children are not tempted to guess my password. It is not that I do not trust them, I just that have not gotten around to teaching them about budgets and lessons on restraint… yet.

Allow me to digress here, with some insights into my personal motivation for this work.

On Self-Control

Ok, I will admit it, I was the guy who first pitched the idea for Twitter to a team of engineers in San Francisco back in 2006. I am the one who first used the @ sign, who first used the word “tweet” in a tweet, I am the person who originally broke Twitter’s open forum model and introduced privacy. They call me “El Co-creador” but I was just part of a great team.

I wrote a book about writing, and you should read it right now.

I was also part of the first Facebook community when it was only for Harvard, and I was one of the first 50 people on Path… heck, I wrote the book on Twitter. Literally. And by literally I mean literally, not actually, but I also actually did, and it is called 140 Characters: A style guide for the short form.

I know a little bit about the limits of human attention and how to exploit your reptile instincts for brevity. There are real reasons that these apps have you by the short and curlies. Developers and designers have figured out exactly how to pinch the hairs on the back of your neck and twist.

So, here are some tips on how to avoid distraction as a parent and a person:

• Limit cognitive overhead. Only install apps that you need to have, and keep the smallest possible number of apps on the home screen. Get into the habit of deleting apps that you do not use every day. You can always re-install them later if you need them.
• Neglect the urge to “look it up” in front of the children. They do not really care about fact-checking. Just admit the limits of your own knowledge and move on.
• If you must, take notes on things to follow up on later. Always later, always tomorrow, forever in favor of right now.

• Start feeling the peer pressure, and develop a little self-consciousness for using your phone in public. This will become easy, as soon as you start noticing how ridiculous people can look while ignoring their environment to zoom, scroll, pinch, take selfies, or multiple shots of their meal.

Four Levels of Interruption

For convenience, I divided some settings up into groups, in order to allow myself different levels of attention: Ringer, Mute, Do Not Disturb, and Airplane Mode.

1. Ringer means that my mute switch is off, vibrations are on, and sounds are at volume level 1. I have set custom ringtones for VIP and special sounds for each of the types of notifications that the system allows. I have eliminated notifications from most apps, and I have deleted offending apps such as Facebook and Instagram. This mode is for when I am expecting to be interrupted, or need to know what is happening when it happens.

2. Mute means that my mute switch is on, vibrations and sounds are off, and notifications do not buzz the phone. A special, reduced set of notifications pass only to the Watch, such as calendar reminders, fitness reminders, VIP emails, and Messages. This mode is for when I am mobile, need to know what is going on, but do not necessarily need to act on something right away.

3. Do Not Disturb means that my mute switch is on, vibrations and sounds are off, and even my Watch will not buzz. It means that the only calls I am going to get are from people on my Favorites list, disallowing interruption by phone even by repeated calls. The phone will not even buzz if it is unlocked and I am using it. If I am using it at all, I want to stay focused on what I am doing. This mode is for extended periods of wakeful concentration.

Recently, I have been experimenting with full-time Do Not Disturb mode. The only issue that I have encountered with this is that I sometimes need reminders to come back to Earth for my next meeting. In this case, I usually set a timer, which will buzz both iPhone and Watch no matter what, until dismissed.

Other than that small issue, I highly recommend full-time Do Not Disturb. Do Not Disturb is also available as a schedule, which is how I was operating previously. I had iPhone set to leave me alone between 8pm and 8am every day. Before 8am, I am focused on getting the boys fed and off to school. After 8pm, we should be reading bedtime stories and falling asleep.

4. Airplane Mode means that the mute switch is on, Do Not Disturb is enabled, and all network functionality is disabled. I will get no phone calls, even from my parents or siblings, and my screen will not light up at all unless I wake it up. Timers will still work, but they will not travel from iPhone to Watch, so it is one or the other.

Why You May Need Apple Watch

Inspiring Peace

Life is messy. No one escapes stress for long, and even positive change brings its own challenges. If you have not discovered meditation yet, life will bully you until you do.

I meditate a few times per week, and use an app called Streaks to help me stay on track with this and other positive habits (drawing, reading, surfing, and playing guitar). For you app-a-holics, there is something called Headspace that will help you get hooked and stay on the sauce. Next level would be to throw down for a Muse headband and get analytical.

For me, meditation is stillness. It is a way to calm the mind and the emotions, and be present in the moment. Even though I play music, I exercise, I hike, camp, and all sorts of solitary chilled-out activities, there is nothing like doing… nothing.

I have one room in my house that is totally empty, except for a meditation pillow. This is a square room, with a picture window open to the best view in my house. The walls are bare.

In this room, no work gets done. No phone calls are made. No devices are used, no thoughts are thunk, no conversation takes place. The door is marked: MEDITATE.

A room of one’s mind.

It is the most expensive room in the house. Because there is nothing in it. Because it could be used for a roommate, or a workspace, or a studio, or storage. It is valuable, and therefore if I am not using it to its fullest potential I am wasting money.

When I enter this room, I close the door, kneel down, close my eyes and breathe. Seeing that I never simply kneel in that position normally, as soon as I do this, my body starts to take over. My method is extremely simple: twenty minutes a day of deep, steady breathing. I let thoughts come and go. I let emotions come and go. I focus on being entirely present, and learn to just be.

I set a timer on my Watch, and consider success to be losing track of time.

I used to consider meditation a kind of impossible state. I thought it had to do with mantras, and advanced states of mind, or discomfort, or any number of unapproachable things. Now, I realize how basic meditation can be.

The results are astounding. I have learned that it is the most basic habit to achieve. I have learned that I can get into this meditative state almost anywhere now. Sometimes all it takes is breathing deeply. Sometimes all I have to do is kneel just so.

If I can meditate every day for a week, I notice a deeper, more lasting calm. This affects the children profoundly. They get a more patient, steady father who listens more closely and does not threaten or yell.

Pretty soon after practicing every day for weeks, the boys started showing curiosity. If I tell them that I am going to take fifteen minutes to meditate, usually one of them joins me after a few minutes. By which I mean they try to fit on the pillow with me.

I will go for as long as I can before I crack flinch and open my eyes, or speak to them. For me, this is like a bird landing on my shoulder, or a butterfly on the nose. Beautiful, precious, but distracting in a way that brings me right back to the moment. The moment when I am tempted to kick them out.

Recently, I have seen them try to meditate on their own. The other morning as I am making lunches and trying to concoct my smoothie and simultaneously engaging my youngest in another game of Guess What, I was called into the Meditation Room.

“Dad, I’m going to meditate.”

Ok, cool.

“Come take a picture.”

:)

There is nothing quite as precious as a four-year-old kneeling down in an empty room experiencing time. I think the best part is that he sees the activity as something basic and meaningful. He sees it as a solution, as a way to maintain control over his emotions and get perspective.

The other day, I achieved a major life goal and it only took $100 in tickets to see “Inside Out” in the theatre together:

“Dad, can I talk to you about my feels?”

Sure thing.

“Sometimes my emotions get too much, and I have to go into my room and read a book to calm down.”

That’s good!

“Ok, that’s all.”

:)

This kind of insight, from a very young boy? Either I am doing something right, or he is a remarkable person or both. My big guy had a similar moment, which he described to me:

“Dad, I meditated yesterday.”

Oh really? What was that like?

“My brother was really annoying me, so I went into the bedroom and just sat there until I could calm down.”

That’s brilliant, son. I’m proud of you.

:)

Habits like this I can not really describe, I have to show them. They see me breathing properly, they see me taking time at moments of stress to just be at peace and find calm. Breathe in for four seconds, hold it for four seconds, breathe out for four seconds. If Navy Seals can achieve focus on the battlefield this way, I figure it is good enough for peacetime.

Here is what the boys taught me about this: it is not how much you meditate, it is how often that matters. Incidents of screaming or crying have gone way down since I have been excusing the little one to go be alone in his room when he needs to be. I used to think it was sulking. Now I realize that it is a form of meditation.

My children do not perceive it the way I do. To me, it is a sacred practice that keeps me sane and gives me peace. To them, it is an instinct that keeps them from “being bad”. To them, it is a form of behavior. Maybe later they will achieve satori.

Mobile Ergonomics

One thing I have learned the hard way is to move regularly from one working environment to another. I never stay bound to my sitting desk, my standing desk, or my “slouching desk” (aka my mobile) for too long. I limit my productivity stretches to one hour, then force myself to break.

I am teaching myself to stay aware of my posture, and this awareness will flow to others in the room, especially to my children. Seeing them curl up with an iPad can look cute, but this is not good for their necks, or their backs. It might annoy them to have me adjusting their posture or their grip, but good habits early in life can be a game-changer.

Beware Repetition

If I see myself or my child tapping repetitively on a screen, or clicking fast and inaccurately many times, I take a step back. Microseconds of effort build up quickly, and before long this kind of behavior can lead to bad habits.

My mission here is not just to help you navigate technology in the life of your family, but also become a better person for your children.

See my article on more ways to improve ergonomics and efficiency with a mobile workflow:

Mobile Ergonomics: How I Learned to Counter Bad Habits

In short, the major ideas to remember about ergonomics are three:

1. Keep the child’s head up.
2. Protect the wrist by alleviating weight and leverage. Also focus on proper mousing techniques like floating the palm while typing and avoiding a wrist rest.
3. Maintain strong core muscles by standing and moving whenever possible.

If I can remember to be brutally honest with myself, exhibit the kind of behavior I want from my children, stay present in the moment, meditate, and improve my ergonomics — that is a pretty great day.

REVIEW

Here are a few questions I keep in mind, as I work to model good behavior:

1. What are the ways in which my own habits create positive behavior in children?
2. How do I practice mutual respect in conversation?
3. What are some reasons that I am tempted to “check out” in moments when I could focus instead on being present?
4. How could I find 5 or 10 minutes a day to meditate, or make it easier for myself to meditate more often?
5. Who is a great example of good posture in my life? Have I adjusted my workplace for the better today?

Next Reading

Agreement on Boundaries and Limits

Back to the Beginning

Parenting and Connected Devices

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